Monday, May 21, 2012

An Unbreakable Bond

When it comes to baby loss, I think people tend to underestimate the bond of parent and child.  Mother and baby.  Mother and daughter.

And how quickly that bond forms. 

I find myself often wondering what people think.  Of me.  Of Joan.  Of what we've been through.  Of what we are still going through.  And what will stay with us forever.

Embracing life in the midst of death.  The death of my first child.  My little girl. 
And grief.  Oh, the grief.  I had no idea what I was in for.  The intense grief of a parent who has lost a child is a unique beast.

Do people think that my grief is less because I had only 10 months with my daughter?  Only 40ish weeks with her in my belly and one day to say goodbye?  I imagine many people do think that.

I wonder if people think that the parent-child bond does not form until after birth? 
I can't speak for anyone else, but for me... nothing could be further from the truth.

Do they think that my grief is less because my daughter was "imperfect"?  Or because I had warning -- I knew that my pregnancy and her life would likely end exactly as it did.  Because it was "nature's way of taking care of things", as some people think. 

It really bothers me when doctors speak like that.  As if my daughter was just an error of nature.  They completely miss the human factor.  This is my child.  My daughter.  Part of me in every way.  I could never rationalize away my love for my child.

The range of human emotions are not changed or erased just because the test showed an extra chromosome.

Maybe some people can detach and view children in this way -- imperfect and expendable.  But for me that is impossible.  Unnatural.  

I find it so much easier -- and more rewarding -- to love.

There is no love like the unconditional, pure love of a parent for their child.

When does this loving bond form?

Is it when you hold your newborn in your arms for the first time?  Or see the first ultrasound images of her perfect button nose?  Is it when you feel the first kicks?  Or hear the sound of her strong, melodic heartbeat fill the exam room?  Is it when you see the positive result appear on the pregnancy test stick?

I imagine it is different for everyone.  I don't remember the exact moment it happened for me, but I'm pretty sure... it was instantaneous.

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