Sacred Number

Seven. 

It is considered a sacred number. A union of the earthly world and the spiritual world. Symbolic of completeness. 

My dear Joan, you would have turned seven years old today. That is impossible to imagine. 

Life took on a whole new meaning when you entered it. There is a before. And an after. The path of my life ended. And a new road began.

Life would be so different if not for you and your brief but powerful existence. The sorrows are deeper, the joys are greater. I wouldn't change it for the world. You've brought me purpose and fulfillment that I never imagined.

You live on through me and others that love you, inspiring change, compassion, connection.

You've taught me to embrace the adventure of life and to travel wherever it leads. 

Not to plan, but to be present. 

To notice those pivotal moments that give me goose bumps and make my hair stand on end. Signs that I am where I'm supposed to be. 

To understand what changes can be made -- and should be made -- until the next step presents itself. 

To feel the ripples of connection and love pouring out into the world through our actions.

There are so many exciting things happening through Joan's Reach. So many inspiring people you've brought into our lives. So many individuals touched, lives lifted.

Joan, as this seventh year begins, our connection, our purpose is not complete. In some ways it feels like it's merely beginning. 

💜

For more information about the mission of Joan's Reach: www.joansreach.org

To support Joan's Reach through our upcoming fundraisers: www.joansreach.org/events

Strides at Six

Dear Joan,

It's hard to believe that you would be turning six today.

Somehow, I anticipated the first five birthdays, in a way that felt different. But now. Now it feels like we've entered another chapter in a sense. Maybe it's because we now have not only your little sister, but also your little brother keeping us busy (to say the least). Somehow, the memories of you -- the raw, bittersweet, aching memories of our too brief time together -- are softer, have faded a little.

Maybe it's these dizzying days of keeping up with little ones, and the associated demands of life, that doesn't leave much time for reflection in the same way anymore. And even that is bittersweet. A gift, and a loss.

When I realized that I haven't written here in a year -- a full year -- I was a little surprised how quickly it passed. In a blink.

Though grief is continually evolving, you are never far from us.

Our work through Joan's Reach continues to grow in a way that fills me with awe and gratitude.

Each time I speak with another mother who is facing (or faced) a similar heartbreak, I am amazed at the similarities. They speak my same thoughts and feelings. They've experienced the same reactions, heard the same terminology and labels. 

Just the other day at a medical conference so many professionals that I spoke to -- sharing your story and the work you inspired -- responded with great interest and appreciation. 

The more events I attend, the more I hear responses like these... 

What you are doing is so needed.

We are counseling a family (or several families) through this situation right now.
We're not sure how to provide support.

Providers are contacting us saying...
We ran out of Joan's Reach bags for parents receiving a diagnosis. 
Can you send more?

Each year, we see more strides. More awareness. More support. For families facing the unimaginable, like we did. For that I am so utterly grateful.

And for you, sweet girl, thank you for being my guiding light.

Happy 6th Birthday, my angel.


For more information about the mission of Joan's Reach: www.joansreach.org

To support Joan's Reach through our upcoming fundraisers: www.joansreach.org/events

Five.

Joan would be turning five today. If she had lived.

Five is a milestone age. When we send our kids off to their first day of kindergarten.

These are the things a bereaved parent thinks about. 

Would we have sent Joan off to her first day of school this year? 

Would she even be going to school? 

You see, since Joan had Trisomy 18 she likely would have had profound developmental challenges.

But honestly, I try not to think too much about all of that. Because there is really no way to know.

Joan changed the course of our lives in so many big and small ways. It's hard to imagine that in an alternate universe -- one where an instant of cell division occurred differently -- we would be caring for a five year old right now. Maybe even sending her off to school.

I don't think like that anymore. I don't often try to imagine what she might be like, or look like, or how her abilities may have unfolded.

One of the things Joan taught me is that nothing is certain. There is no way to predict what will happen tomorrow, let alone in five years.

The more years that pass, it's harder to imagine what Joan would be like now. Instead I think of her as the perfect eternal soul that she is. Always with us, guiding us.

And as for how we will commemorate this milestone year of five. I suppose, in the same way we have celebrated every other year since Joan's death and birth. We will continue to share Joan's story. To say her name. To anyone who will listen. We will continue to share the lessons Joan taught us, far and wide. Striving to change countless lives for the better in Joan's memory.

Fly high, sweet angel.


For more information about the mission of Joan's Reach: www.joansreach.org

To support Joan's Reach through our upcoming fundraiser: http://tinyurl.com/zfzjtfp

A Mother's Legacy

Guardian
Willow Tree

Around Mother's Day, we give a lot of well deserved thought and attention to the mother figures in our lives -- grandmother's, mothers, aunts...  We think about the example they set for us. Mothers are our first teachers. Our first models of nurturing, unconditional love, compassion and selfless care.

When our decision to carry Joan to term despite her life-limiting diagnosis comes up in conversation, I often receive reactions of amazement or curiosity. And comments such as, not many people do (or would do) that.

I am reminded of a movie quote that has always stuck with me. It is from the film The Way, and in one scene the adventurous son says to his workaholic father, "You don't choose a life, Dad. You live one."

You don't choose a life. You live one.

Whether we realize it or not, the way we live our lives sets an example, impacts others, and leaves a legacy. How we respond to challenges and adversity speaks volumes. Each of our lives sends ripples out into the world.

I did not want the example I set to be that since my daughter was destined to have a brief life, we just gave up and ended it early.

I did not want the message of my life to be that because my daughter was 'imperfect', that her life had less value.

Nothing could be further from the truth.

Mother's Day especially makes me think of all those that have lost children, or mothers, or grandmother's. Or any loved one, really.

We are not all that different.

I remember all those who lovingly cared for their terminally ill family members, whether it was an elderly parent, a grandparent, or a child. Those who stayed by their side until their passing, selflessly tending to their needs, and above all surrounding them in love.

Because that's what you do when you love someone so deeply. You never leave their side, if you can at all help it. Especially when they need you most.

That's what we did with Joan. It's that simple.

We are not all that different.

Holding all of the brokenhearted close. Especially mothers missing their children. And children missing their mothers.

Grief - How Long Does it Take?

I've been asked, how long did it take?, referring to grieving the death of my baby girl.

Meaning (I imagine), how long until you...
...'got over it'?
... felt better?
...were done grieving?
...felt like yourself again?

The true answer -- the answer that no one wants to hear -- is, there is no end to grief.  Just like I will love Joan with all of my heart until the day I die (and beyond), I will also grieve for Joan until I take my last breath on this earth (and see her again).

Grief is not linear, or neat.  There is no clear end.

Image source

I started grieving the moment we got Joan's diagnosis and were told that her life would be brief.  I grieved while Joan was still alive and moving in my belly.  Sorrow mixed with joy in equal measure as I experienced all of the firsts of pregnancy -- though not in the way I expected my first pregnancy to be.

At some point after Joan's diagnosis I remember my doctor commenting on how well I seemed to be handling it.  It being continuing my pregnancy knowing that Joan's life would likely end around her birth (far too soon).  And I was almost surprised to hear myself reply, I have a feeling the hard part is yet to come.

As difficult as it was carrying Joan (without a doubt one of the hardest things I have ever done), in many ways it was the easy part.  Living the rest of my life without Joan is the hard part.  We were blessed to have had the time we did with Joan, embracing and cherishing the moments we had with her and allowing her life to unfold.

So, how long did it take?  Nearly five years out, as we approach the anniversary of Joan's diagnosis, I can tell you it does get easier.  Gradually.  My grief is not nearly as intense and debilitating as it was in the early days, on a daily basis.  But there are still days (fewer and farther between) that knock me over like a tidal wave as grief hits without warning, strong as ever.  More often, day to day, there is still deep joy mixed with deep sorrow, in equal measure.  Joyful moments come with a melancholy side of, wish Joan was here.

Now grief feels more like trying to get used to these two emotions, joy and sorrow, existing in tandem, like inseparable twins.

Unconditional Love

Almost 5 years ago we received the most devastating news any parents can get.  At 20 weeks pregnant we were told that our first baby would likely die before or shortly after birth.  And there was nothing that could be done to prevent it.  We were offered termination of the pregnancy.

I think, not knowing what else to do, doctors offer pregnancy termination in an attempt to spare parents from pain.  But there is no reprieve from the agony of this diagnosis.  No quick fix.

Not able to bear the thought of taking action to end my child's life I asked about other options.  We were told, well you can continue the pregnancy, but not many people do that.  So we set out on a terrifying journey -- but a journey full of love like no other.  My daughter, Joan, taught me about unconditional love.

Maybe people think that by choosing to continue my pregnancy with Joan, we were only waiting for death.  Delaying the inevitable.  Dragging out the grief and suffering.

This is not the case.

First of all, the timeline of grief cannot be controlled.  Trust me.  Grief can not be rushed or resolved in a tidy manner, no matter what you do.  There is no shortcut through grief.

When I found the perinatal hospice website a light went on in my soul.  The words on the page spoke the feelings in my heart, when I was too grief-stricken to think clearly.  I no longer felt alone.

Continuing the pregnancy is not about passively waiting for death. It is about actively embracing the brief, shining moment of this little life.

[Source: www.perinatalhospice.org FAQ - Why would anyone continue a pregnancy like this? ]

It started to sink in that this was the only time I would have with my daughter. And I could make the best of it. Love her enough for a lifetime. Talk to her. Read to her. Take her to the beach. And so many other things.

To think that we were passively, miserably waiting for her death could not be further from the truth. To be honest, it was not always easy every day. But actively embracing and celebrating Joan's life and all of the little joys of each day was a fulfilling and meaningful journey.

Because the bottom line is this:

Joan's life was just that. Her life.

It was entrusted to me as her mother. But it was not for me to decide when and how Joan's life would end. My purpose was to love, comfort and care for Joan until that day came.

Is there any greater love?

Fear and Worry

When I was pregnant with Joan I spent a decent amount of time worrying about things that I shouldn't have.

You see, based on the information we received from doctors and others in the healthcare field when we got her diagnosis, it made me feel like Joan was an unfortunate tragedy, a freak of nature. Defective. Undesirable.

Even Google results for Trisomy 18 depicted disturbing images of children with deformities. And even more concerning descriptions of all possible physical defects. Organs on the outside of the body was one of the most frightening.

It scared me. It caused me to worry more than I should have.

I worried about what Joan would look like. What kind of disabilities she might have. How others would react to her.

As first time parents, we didn't even know how to care for a healthy newborn. How would we care for one with special needs?

I wish I hadn't worried that much. There was no need to.

Joan was the most beautiful baby I had ever seen.  Maybe I'm slightly biased as her mother, but she was precious.

I'm not sure where Google and the doctors get their information, but they should include a more accurate depiction. Pictures of Trisomy babies that look just like other babies. Adorable.

Tell us that they have the purest smiles and bring such joy to their families. Because they do.

Tell us that there is no way to accurately predict any child's disabilities, or abilities.

Why not believe -- encourage -- that each of us are limitless? There are no bounds to what we can achieve. Many children have far surpassed expectations, or limits, imposed on them. Though some may need adjustments or have challenges in certain areas, they undoubtedly have strengths in other areas.

Tell us that no matter what challenges we may face, there are others who have walked similar paths before us. There are groups that can support us, and other parents that will be an inspiration and give us hope and strength.

I wish I had found this site while I was carrying Joan.  It may have made me less scared.  The unknown is always scarier than the reality.

These are photographs of Trisomy 18 babies.  Let's raise awareness.  Eliminate fear.

Missing

A special guest post by Joan’s Aunt Teri

How can you miss someone that you never really knew?

It’s simple.

As a teacher, I sometimes forget to take attendance at the beginning of class.  However, I eventually, or sometimes immediately, feel a sense that someone is absent.   It could be the class clown, the girl who is always on her iPhone, or the quietest kid in the class. In a panic, I glance at the class roster.  Their absence is palpable. It is in the air, it is on your skin.

Someone is missing.

This feeling often takes over at family gatherings. A sneaking feeling that someone is not there; that a part of the whole is missing.  This sixth sense has greatly intensified after the birth of Vivian, Joan’s little sister.  Every milestone, everything Vivian does, reminds me of what Joan would have done.

With Vivian, there have been so many Firsts: First Smile, First Laugh, First Steps, First Everything.  I wonder about having had these Firsts with Joan.  She was also the First Born, a position which I would have shared with her.  

I am reminded of Missing, a song by Arcadia, a side project of 80’s supergroup Duran Duran. As cliché as it sounds, the lyrics in this song did not mean much to me until after Joan’s birth. [I always try to say her birth, not death; which tragically were one and the same.]

I thought I saw you smile

But now I don't see you anywhere

Whispering your love song in my ear

how can you touch me

when you're not really here?

Yes, Joan.  You touch us always, even though you are not here.

So, how can you miss someone that you never really knew?

It’s simple.

The Diagnosis

By Joan's Mom

The week of Mother's Day for us is also the anniversary of the days that changed our lives.  The 'abnormal' tests and the dreaded results.

On the morning of Monday, May 9th, 2011 I was jolted awake, sweating and crying, by one of the most vivid dreams I have ever had.  In the dream, I was sitting in the perinatologist's office and she said, "I'm sorry.  Your baby girl just died."  That's when I bolted awake.

The Friday before, we had our 20 week ultrasound visit.  The visit that is supposed to be a joyful, wondrous look at your baby and all of the miraculously developing organs.  Sometimes it is even the time when you get to find out if you are having a boy or a girl, but we didn't want to know.  We wanted to be surprised.

Our appointment was none of those things.  It was a dizzying blur of signs that something was not right with our baby.  Measuring too small.  Possible heart defect.  Two-vessel cord.  All 'markers' of a possible chromosome disorder.  The visit ended in an unplanned amnio, that I never intended to have.  And us going home to wait the weekend, my first Mother's Day weekend, for the preliminary results.

I spent the weekend resting as much as possible, as ordered by the doctor, and trying to convince myself that somehow everything would be okay.  That it was just a false alarm.  While my husband started the demolition stage of the spare bedroom renovation, what was to be the nursery.  I'd like to say the physical labor was a distraction for him, but I don't think anything could take our minds off of it.

By Monday morning I had done a pretty good job of convincing myself that the odds were in our favor and the test would come back negative.  Except for that dream.  The strange thing about it is, up until that point I was convinced that I was carrying a boy.  As if that little detail was proof that the dream was not a premonition. 

Just a few hours later, early Monday afternoon, I got the call from the same perinatologist -- the one we saw on Friday, the one from my dream.  I had gone to the mall on my lunch hour to distract myself from the dark cloud that had formed over me.  I had not been able to button my pants for weeks and it was time to finally break down and buy some maternity clothes.  I was leaving a department store, having just bought my first pairs of maternity pants when my cell phone rang.

The test was positive for Trisomy 18.

I listened to the doctor tell me that a genetic counselor would be calling me and calmly asked her how accurate these results were, even though I already knew the answer.  I hung up and left the store, called my husband.  I stopped back at work briefly to pick some things up and let them know that I was going home for the rest of the day.  The shock and numbness started to wear off on the drive home as the tears began to flow.

The rest of that day is a blur.  I remember crying on the couch, looking out the window and not understanding how it was getting dark.  The clock said 8 PM, but it must be broken.  I couldn't fathom how time and life were continuing on when my world had changed so completely.  Time stopped at 1 PM that day.  The earth stopped spinning on its axis.  Nothing would ever be the same again.

I wanted to return the maternity pants I had just bought.  I wanted to hide.  I didn't feel worthy of wearing them.  To walk around with my ever growing belly.  The badge of honor and pride of motherhood.  My baby was not going to survive.  I would outlive my first child.  My first daughter -- it was indeed a girl.  And there was nothing I could do about it.

I still can't walk through that section of the department store where I got the call, without thinking about that day and feeling the familiar pangs of panic start to build.  I wonder if that will ever go away. 

Pain of Discovery

By Joan's Dad

This is the short version. Joan was our first pregnancy and as such everything was a new experience to us. We went to our office visits and progressed (what we believed to be) uneventfully through the first half of the pregnancy. We had ultrasounds and saw our little one swimming around and moving from one spot to another, her little heart pumping the entire time, and her getting bigger with each successive visit.

I found myself in love with our baby from the moment I knew we were pregnant. It was love at first thought, I loved our child before I had even seen the first ultrasound, and every passing visit would bring me loving a baby that had arms instead of arm buds, ears where none were at the last visit, and a little fluttering heart that beat at that baby rhythm in the 140’s (which freaks you out the first time you hear it if you don’t know that’s their normal heart rate). I started to have a wide range of things that I was looking forward to, from watching my wife hold our baby for the first time, our families meeting him or her, bringing our little one home, to minor things like our baby’s laugh or smile. I simply started to build these future memories of all sizes.

We reached the Level II ultrasound commonly performed at 20 weeks. It’s the ultrasound where they scan the baby’s anatomy and verify that everything is accounted for and relatively properly sized. It’s also a common time for you to find out the baby’s gender. Our appointment was perfectly timed for the Friday before Mother’s Day. What a great way for my wife to have her first Mother’s Day! Our ultrasound tech was great. She spent lots of time measuring all sorts of things and poking Joan so she’d move to get a better view and measurements; and she was good not to reveal that Joan was, well, Joan not John.  We watched the entire time and were just amazed with how big our baby had gotten. The tech was relatively quiet, but that’s not unusual, doctor’s talk to patients, everyone else in the doctor’s office talks to the doctor.

When the doctor came in to give us the summation, I was expecting to basically absorb and nod until we could take our copies of our button nosed baby’s ultrasound pictures home to add to the gallery on the refrigerator. But when the doctor came in and started talking, I stopped liking her. She spent about 10 minutes couching facts with fluffy words and expressions. You know the things I am talking about; they are supposed to make you feel less bad, but in reality it’s like someone wrapping you in bubble wrap and then throwing you off a high rise building. They feel a bit better about it, but you’re still free falling and ill-equipped for the hard landing. She said that Joan had nearly every ‘soft marker’ that they used to test for a genetic disorder called Trisomy 18. On the doctor’s recommendation, an amniocentesis was performed to confirm her diagnosis. The sample for the amnio was taken and the results would be ready lightning fast in 4 or 5 days.

YAY!  Happy Mothers Day!! GRR!!

So what do you do in that situation?  How did I feel?  Helpless, angry, but mainly heartbroken.  We went home and we were both just in shock and becoming experts on Trisomy 18 as quickly as Google and a broadband connection would allow.  We were trying to unravel this enough to find the thread of hope that this diagnosis (if confirmed) would be manageable, treatable, curable, anything positive-able.  Google let us down at every turn.  Trisomy 18 meant a 90%+ chance that our child would not make it past her first birthday if she were able to survive to full term.  Words do not describe the feeling when that eventuality insidiously seeps into your logical brain and you can’t escape the fact that most of these dreams that you had for your child are now a source of pain.

This is where and when it all turns. We were in limbo. The worst limbo you could find yourself in. All of those memories that you think are in front of you as a growing family are in jeopardy and most are actually completely out of the question. What’s worse, is I had no idea what in the world I was supposed to hope for as all of the paths to hope for are lined with and end in such pain.  We could only hope that the diagnosis was wrong and that we’d get a reprieve by the additional test. Time passed that weekend as a friend and I demo’d the room that was to be the nursery. My wife’s first Mother’s Day had become a totally different experience then we had expected it to be just 48 hours before.

The Monday after Mother’s Day we got confirmation.  Barbara called me at work. She had just gotten the call that our daughter tested positive for Trisomy 18. So that was it, we now KNEW what we had been dreading since the doctor walked in the room at the ultrasound and started talking words to us that don’t belong in the same sentence. “1 in 6000” are the odds for a jackpot. “Life limiting” is not an adjective for a baby’s anything. The most immediate thing was pain, pain in my soul that my family is now facing a very different and more challenging future and I’m powerless to stop it.  Pain in knowing that my wife would be in even more pain then I was in and would likely stay that way for a very long time, pain in knowing that we could do our best and still be ultimately in the unimaginable situation of burying our little button nosed child.

I don’t have the words, which is why I am using so many.

The closest I can come is to say that emotionally, it’s as if I was swimming in quicksand at that pace you have in your dreams where you can’t outrun whatever is chasing you. I was moving slowly and sinking quickly. I bottomed out and realized that this was the worst thing that could have happened to our family and it came out of the best thing that had happened to my wife and I. That’s not supposed to happen.

Relatively quickly, I started to emotionally triage. The love takes over. The love motivates. The love redefines hope. Hope is no longer seeing your daughter smile or seeing her running through the yard giggling. Hope is now getting another day with your daughter while she’s still literally being hugged by her mother every moment. Hope becomes knowing that you’ll be able to be with her when she passes and make sure she knows nothing but love for the entirety of her life. Hope becomes planning for all sorts of eventualities, from lining up home nurses should she make it home from the hospital, to choosing where she’ll be buried when she’s done being surrounded by our love. It’s not the open-ended hope of an option filled life, but rather the hope of solemn determination to do what you couldn’t have imagined until you’re faced with it.  I found it to be a hope that brought me peace when there was not much comfort in the circumstance.  Our love for our daughter was never tethered to her health, only the amount of time we had with her.

Happy 4th Birthday, Joan.

The Yellow Butterfly

Right around the time that Joan passed away I started noticing yellow butterflies.

A small delicate yellow butterfly among a flock of monarchs.  Or a single yellow butterfly fluttering across the yard.

Each time I felt a keen awareness.  One of those moments where everything else fades away.  And I always thought of Joan.  No, more than that.  I felt her presence.

It wasn't until a while after that I stumbled upon the significance of the yellow butterfly.

While it is common to associate butterflies as a symbol of the soul, the Irish believe a yellow butterfly is an indicator of departed souls resting in peace.

How beautifully fitting. 

Thank you for that sign, Dear Joan.  That beautiful gift.

Though your body was imperfect, your soul was beautifully perfect in every way.

What signs do your loved ones send to you?

What color are you painting the nursery?

How did you respond to questions about your baby, while you were pregnant?

I have been asked this question when talking about carrying Joan to term knowing that she had a life-limiting condition.  My answer was, "I avoided it as much as possible."  

Inevitably well-meaning acquaintances and strangers – in the grocery store, public restrooms, etc. – see you pregnant and ask questions.

When are you due?
Is it a boy or a girl?
What color are you painting the nursery? 

And my personal favorite...

Are you excited?

For a mom carrying to term with a life-limiting diagnosis for her unborn child these questions are often difficult, to say the least. For me, this was one of the most difficult parts. Repeatedly explaining that our baby would be born with profound challenges and slim odds of survival was like reliving the devastating news each time. While we were still processing the tragic reality ourselves.

So I tried to avoid these exchanges as much as possible, or answer as briefly and vaguely as possible and escape quickly.

How do you tell well-meaning people that your baby is not expected to survive? That you are not setting up a nursery. That excitement is not the predominant emotion that you are feeling. Instead you are experiencing tremendous grief, anxiety, and a myriad of mixed emotions. While trying to embrace the precious short time with your baby.

So if the person was a stranger or someone I was not likely to see again I didn't tell them. I pretended that I was having a "normal" pregnancy. I even lied sometimes. I didn't tell them that my baby would likely not come home with us. I found that if I did I would usually get one of two reactions.

A look of horror. Pity. Awkward discomfort. To which I would become the comforter, trying to make the situation less unpleasant. This reaction was usually followed by unhelpful, insensitive comments.  The worst of which being some form of, Why didn't you terminate?

Or I would get responses attempting optimism such as, Maybe the doctors and tests are wrong. Can't they do surgery and save the baby? Hope and pray for a miracle. Somehow it'll turn out okay.

An important part the carrying to term experience is accepting that your child may not survive to birth or ever leave the hospital. And embracing a different kind of hope. Hope to meet and hold your baby. To create memories during the pregnancy and any possible time after. So these latter comments are not helpful.

Wouldn't it be wonderful if parents like us could openly share their experience with others, even strangers, without fear of insensitive reactions? That people would respond with compassion, understanding and awareness that sometimes babies don't survive. Because parents need and deserve compassionate support.

If you carried to term with a life-limiting diagnosis, what was your experience when answering questions about your baby during the pregnancy?

Dinner With…

A guest post by Joan's Dad

Grief is certainly a universal thing that we all experience, but we all do it so, so differently. The September after I graduated high school a friend of mine, John, was killed in a car accident. He was just starting his senior year of high school and was driving with a friend of his, Kurt, who was also killed. I was at the joint viewing and it was an incredibly difficult thing to see as both families were there with such a look of shock. About 6 months after the viewing, I was told that John’s father had built a tall privacy fence around his yard, and that he had John’s truck put in the yard.

I worked in the only convenience store in town at that time and still knew a lot of people that lived near and had known John. The thing that I remember most is having the same conversation about John’s father and the truck over and over. People would comment on how odd or awkward it was. My comment was always the same. I would say that I have no idea how you get through that grief, but if having that truck in the yard gave his father any peace at all with what had happened to his only son, shouldn’t he be allowed to have that. I remember having this same dialogue so frequently and it just struck me how odd it was that people would judge anyone’s handling of grief or the desire to have something that gave them a smell, or sight, anything of their loved one.

For all of us who experience grief, we have to find different personal outlets that help us process it. Since we lost Joan, we've found a few things that give us peace, that might not for others. Having said that, I believe that it is a universal thing that you want to hear your child's (or any loved one's) name, as it is their only remaining "voice". With that in mind, we had family over for a party recently and when we called in a food order, we put it under the name "Joan". It was our way of including her in our party and had the added bonus of letting us hear her name from others in a completely innocent way. So I invite everyone to try it as well, next time you get take out or are asked by the hostess for a name, tell them John, or Kurt, or Nathaniel, or Michael, or Nora, or Noni, or Sheila. Or Joan.

a father's day

A special guest post by Joan's Dad.

How many kids do you have?  That should be an easy enough question.  It’s a question that really seems like a throw away, like, “How was the drive (or flight)?” Or “How was the food?”  It’s a softball.  The kind of question that’s more to fill time and either keep a conversation going or start it.  It’s a warm-up swing question.  There should be nothing wrong with it.  Except.  Except when the real answer is a bit more painful than recounting the number of children you’ve gotten out of diapers.  In that case it can detonate the conversation like someone out for a stroll stepping on a mine in a dormant battlefield.  It’s just so unexpected.

How do I answer?  My most common answer is to use some permutation that we lost our first daughter and her little sister is at home driving her mommy crazy.  Why do I answer that way when I know that it can make people uncomfortable or clam up?  I answer that way for a few reasons.  First, it’s the truth, and nothing in the truth is linked to comfort of anyone, A is A.  Whether it gives you chills or a warm and fuzzy.  Joan is my daughter and she’s gone, but my love for her is not.  Secondly, I’m a parent.  Parents talk about their children.  I want to talk about mine.  Not at length, but for a second in conversation, I’ll mention the children that I love just like any other parent would.  Third, there is nothing in me that has any desire to disconnect with my daughter or her memory.  Ever.

Father’s day is an odd one.  I appreciate the sentiment of it, but I always view it through the prism of my life and that means that Father’s Day is about my dad, not me.  Father’s day is also when you get asked about your children the most by people who are generally well-meaning.  They understand that as a father you want to talk up your children, and they are giving you a chance to do so.  Queue my answers and the ensuing gallery of stranger’s faces from lack of recognition to genuine sadness and all stops in between.

The Father’s day while we were waiting for Joan was specifically difficult.  We knew about the diagnosis, we knew statistically what we were facing and most outside of our inner circle only knew that we were pregnant.  There were a lot of things that I couldn’t say but wanted to.  It was a challenge, and I just laid low and let it pass.  Since that first father’s day, I’ve felt largely the same.  I know that there are traditions with ties or ceramic ash-trays that I am sure we’ll go through with Vivian, but we’re just not at that stage.

As Father’s day is a pseudo holiday there is some level of giftery. Hmm. I think that I just made that up.  I’m fine with having made up that word, and I can’t believe it hasn’t been made up previously.  Giftery brings us to another classic question, “What do you want?”  This has become the easiest question I can ever answer.  

I’m a bereaved parent.  Like every other bereaved I’ll want the same thing every time I am asked that question until my last breath & I’ll want it fully knowing that I can’t and won’t ever get it.  

I’m not unique, I just miss my daughter.  It’s that simple and that complex.

My little girl was a fighter

META-MOURN-PHOSIS

I wrote this the first Christmas after we lost Joan – just 2 short months after our firstborn baby died and was born.  I remember the agony of receiving daily Christmas cards with the adorable smiling faces of the children of everyone we knew, while there would be no first Christmas card with a photo of our new baby girl.

For any newly bereaved parent navigating this first Christmas after the loss of your precious baby, you are not alone.  I hope this is a reminder to treasure the small joys in life and hold on to hope…

I fear that this traumatic life event – the devastating loss of our beloved daughter Joan – has turned my husband into Martha Stewart.  He has been perusing recipe books, commandeering my Better Homes and Gardens magazines, baking up a storm... and now, the ultimate proof... He announced that he is going to try decoupage. Decoupage. Seriously.  I don’t even bake very often, let alone decoupage.  If you know my husband, you know that he is far from the domestic or crafty type, which makes this all the more unexpected.

In all seriousness, this post is intended to bring humor in a difficult situation.  And also to encourage those of you going through a similar grief experience, to find the things that bring you joy and embrace them.  Whether it’s discovering your inner homemaker or training for a marathon.  Start a new hobby if you feel a calling, or rekindle an interest that you haven’t found the time for in a while.  Just make sure it is not a potentially dangerous or destructive pastime.  Be kind and gentle with yourself.

While my husband is morphing from a man’s man to into a domestic goddess, I have found small joys and healing in other things.  Here are a few:

• Reading whatever interests me at the moment (at first it was infant loss websites and self-help books about grief, then light romance novels with happy endings only, we’ll see what’s next…)
• Journaling
• Eating out at a favorite restaurant
• Savoring a chai tea latte or jasmine green tea
• A quiet walk near the beach with the afternoon sunlight glistening off the water
• Creating photo books with pictures of Joan and inspiring quotes
• Finding creative ways to donate to charities that are meaningful to us

And though our house has been in a nearly constant state of renovation for the last 4 years, with many projects partially completed and now sitting idle, I no longer care.  I am content to watch my husband bake and then enjoy eating some of the best cookies I have ever tasted.  I don’t even care about the additional pounds (caveat: to a certain degree.  I am a big proponent of everything in moderation, and we have also been conscious to make time to exercise since it helps with grief.)  Ironic how many new mothers are preoccupied by losing the baby weight quickly, while I now see how trivial that is in the grand scheme of things.  (But that is a post for another time – the many ironies of infant loss.)

For now, find your joy – even if it is only for a few minutes a day. Happy decoupaging.

Mother's Day

Three years ago was my first Mother's Day.

I was pregnant with our first child.

Just a few days earlier we were told the unimaginable.

The baby you are carrying is not going to survive.

We, like many parents in this situation, were essentially offered one solution.  Terminate the pregnancy.

The alternative -- carrying to term -- was viewed by the doctors as doing nothing.  As in, why torture yourself like that?

It's not doing nothing.  It's the furthest thing from doing nothing.

It's the most important thing I've ever done.


Carrying your baby to term, knowing she will not live long is...

... loving, protecting, and providing for your child's needs -- even if it means providing a peaceful life and death.

... allowing her to have the natural life, and natural death, she was intended to have.

... recognizing that the grief will be there, and will be complicated, regardless of the choice.

... filling each day with gratitude and cherished memories of your much loved and wanted child.


People have told me it is brave.

For me, it was just necessary.  I got to spend nine months with my daughter, see her and hold her in my arms.

The Brave Little Soul

In loving memory of our brave little soul

Joan Louise

October 9, 2011

Not too long ago in Heaven, there was a little soul who took wonder in observing the world. She especially enjoyed the love she saw there and often expressed this joy with God. One day however, the little soul was sad, for this day she saw suffering in the world. She approached God and sadly asked "Why do bad things happen, why is there suffering in the world?"

God paused for a moment and replied, "Little soul, do not be sad, for the suffering you see unlocks the love in people's hearts." The little soul was confused. "What do you mean?" she asked. God replied, "Have you not noticed the goodness and love that is the offspring of that suffering? Look at how people come together, drop their differences, and show their love and compassion for those who suffer. All their other motivations disappear and they become motivated by love alone."

The little soul began to understand and listened attentively as God continued. "The suffering soul unlocks the love in people's hearts much like the sun and rain unlock the flower within the seed. I created everyone with endless love in their heart, but unfortunately most people keep it locked up and hardly share it with anyone. They are afraid to let their love shine freely, because they are afraid of being hurt. But a suffering soul unlocks that love. I tell you this - it is the greatest miracle of all. Many souls have bravely chosen to go into the world and suffer to unlock this love - to create this miracle - for the good of all humanity."

Just then the little soul got a wonderful idea and could hardly contain herself. With her wings fluttering, bouncing up and down, the little soul excitedly replied, "I am brave, let me go! I would like to go into this world and suffer so that I can unlock the goodness and love in people's hearts! I want to create that miracle!"

God smiled and said, "You are a brave soul I know, and thus I will grant your request. But even though you are very brave, you will not be able to do this alone. I have known since the beginning of time that you would ask for this, so I have carefully selected many souls to care for you on your journey. These souls will help you create your miracle: however they will also share in your suffering. Two of these souls are most special and they will care for you, help you and suffer along with you, far beyond the others. They have already chosen a name for you."

God and the brave little soul shared a smile, and then embraced. In parting, God said, "Do not forget little soul that I will be with you always. Although you have agreed to bear the pain, you will do so through my strength. And if the time should come when you feel you have suffered enough, just say the word, think the thought and you will be healed."

Thus at that moment, the brave little soul was born into the world and through her suffering and God's strength, she unlocked the goodness and love in people's hearts. For so many people dropped their differences and came together to show their love. Priorities became properly aligned. People gave from their hearts. Those who were always too busy, found time. Many began new spiritual journeys - some regained lost faith - many came back to God. Parents hugged their children tighter. Friends and family grew closer. Old friends got together and new friendships were made. Distant families reunited and every family spent more time together. Everyone prayed. Peace and love reigned. Lives were changed forever. It was good. The world was a better place. The miracle happened. God was pleased.

The Brave Little Soul
By John Alessi